Monday, July 26, 2010

What’s Your Hot Button With Partners?

Partners – romantic and otherwise – tend to fight when one feels neglected or threatened. When Peter Bregman’s wife yelled from two rooms away, “at least pack the shampoo” she was feeling neglected.

Recognizing which underlying feeling is being evoked helps you know how to resolve the conflict. So discovered psychology professor Keith Sanford.

Which one is your hot button? Find out here.

When one feels threatened he sees his partner as critical, blaming, hostile or controlling. When one feels neglected it is because she perceives her partner as failing to contribute sufficiently to the relationship.

Sanford’s research shows it helps to talk about neglect yet discussing a perceived threat may not be helpful.

Sanford’s advice for being happy in love also make sense for any successful partnership or other collaboration: “For the most part, successful couples avoid letting fights get too heated. Specifically, they go easy on the four classic negative fighting tactics:

  1. Criticism
  2. Stonewalling
  3. Contempt
  4. Defensiveness

The famed marriage researcher John Gottman calls them the ‘Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,’ because they can spell doom for a marriage when used too frequently.”

I can’t help but add that Gottman, “found one factor that was the best predictor of all. This was a positive predictor, one that predicted long-term success rather than failure in marriage.

Gottman found that marriages are likely to thrive when the man was willing to be influenced by his wife.” (Gentlemen – want to win points with the women in your life? Comment positively about this finding.)

Sanford’s further advice for couples also seems helpful for non—romantic relationships: “Happy couples resort to negative tactics too, Sanford says, but only sparingly.

When they do bring up hurt, anger, and other negative emotions, they often balance them out with a constructive approach. In the best-case scenarios, couples use conflicts as a time to express concerns and share emotions. Instead of telling his partner ‘you make me sick,’ a man could try saying something like ‘It hurt me when you called me lazy.’

Shifting the conversation away from the partner’s faults and towards one’s own feelings is a tried-and-true way to defuse even the most intense conflicts.

See links here: http://www.movingfrommetowe.com/2010/07/26/what%E2%80%99s-your-hot-button-with-partners/

Posted via email from Kare Anderson on Coummunicating to Connect

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Live Your Strongest Life

“Out beyond the ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field – I’ll meet you there.” ~ Rumi

ThisIsNotTheStory “It hits a spot, doesn’t it?  It suggests that not being right (or wrong) is a place we can choose to go to,” wrote Sarah Wilson after reading Laura Munson’s book on how she chose not to retreat or retaliate when her husband said he was leaving. Instead Laura chose to be calm, still – and yes, sometimes quite scared.

“If your partner said that to you, chances are that would be the start of a conversation --- an ugly one,” wrote one of my favorite reviewers, Jesse Kornbluth. 

Instead she said, “I don’t buy it.” 

Her story was the most forwarded, shared and debated Style column in The New York Times all year.

“I was faced with a choice, wrote Laura, “I was going to let this take me down, or I was going to learn to base my happiness on something that was within my control.”

Adds Sara, “That it just exists, once we drop knee-jerk judgment, and is entirely accessible. If. We. Just. Choose. It.”

This is not an instinctive nor an easy approach yet it is worth practicing. That is to choose not to suffer or to retaliate against someone dear to me right after he says something toxic  - or doesn’t speak up or act in a situation where I relied on his support – or at least their understanding. Good men know this.

My reacting harshly out of hurt usually stiffens the spine of the other person in their righteousness. They respond defensively and feel greater justification for their actions.  This hardens our hearts towards each other, making it increasingly difficult for either “side.” By then we do see sides in the situation, so we move farther apart.  Through that lens of protective distance we are more inclined to see how the other person is wrong and we are right.

One hard-learned truth I tend to forget:

Choosing to respond to the decent actions in others and to let the rest go seems to be the most likely way to stay connected to the better parts in each other. Live strong is not only an apt motto for Lance Armstrong but a wise maxim for us all to accept frailties in others and to live from our strengths.

Another rule of thumb:

Do not let somebody else determine your behavior.

See links here: 

http://sayitbetter.typepad.com/say_it_better/2010/07/live-your-strongest-life.html

Kare Anderson

Accomplishing greater things

with others
than one can alone

Kare speaks, writes and consults on connective communication and collaboration – vital traits in this bottom-up, complex, connected world. This Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter was the Obama campaign's Team Collaboration Director. She’s the author of Walk Your Talk and Resolving Conflict Sooner

• Voted one of Top 5 speakers on Communication: http://speaking.com/top5/

• See how much others accomplished in just an hour of phone coaching with Kare http://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php - or bring her to speak http://www.sayitbetter.com/meeting_planners.php 

http://twitter.com/KareAnderson  + http://howwepartner.com/

• Two of her blogs are featured on http://collaboration.alltop.com/ and another, Say it Better, on http://lifehacks.alltop.com/

Posted via email from SayitBetter

Speed Coaching: A Fast, Fun Way to Get Expert Advice

Q: Want to live faster or slower?  
A: Yes.

Want to savor food (or fashion) slowly but <a href="http://howwepartner.com/2009/06/speed-coaching-the-fastest-most-fun-way-to-get-expert-advice/

More Ways to Profitably Partner

Hawa Sidibe’s hair salon is inside the Great American Laundromat in the Bronx.
 office buildings, filled with all kinds of medical professionals, aren’t new yet increasingly more kinds of complementary  businesses are also becoming bigger customer magnets by being more conveniently co-located for their mutual market of clients.

You can get closer to prospective clients and offer your clients more convenience by clustering with others who serve the same kind of people:

a. Lease space within another office or lease out space within yours to people who serve.

b. Be located adjacent to another outlet(s), perhaps sharing an internal door.

c. Co-rent retail and/or common space with another office or business.

d. Share conference or demo space with others.

2. Sublet space from or to another kind of business that serves some of the same kind of patients/clients to bring more foot traffic and revenue for both:

A bridal shop shares an interior door with a men’s formal wear shop.

The Great Outpost now sells outdoor gear at a store that is right next to the Great Smoky Mountains State Park.
A childcare center operates within Google’s main offices

Noah’s Bagels sells Starbucks Coffee.

A food operation leases space within a hospital or motel.

Pizza Hut moves into Days Inn.

FedEx’s leases space at hotels.

Popeye’s Chicken & Biscuits outlets are in Kroger markets.

A post office and bank lease space within a supermarket.

An accessories store leases space next to a clothing store, joined by internal doors.

A college leases space to a travel agency.

~ See more ways to profitably partner here http://howwepartner.com/

See how much others accomplished in just an hour of phone coaching with Karehttp://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php - 

Posted via email from Kare Anderson on Coummunicating to Connect

Saturday, July 24, 2010

More Ways to Profitably Partner

1. Literally get closer, sharing space.

Hawa Sidibe’s hair salon is inside the Great American Laundromat in the Bronx.

Medical office buildings, filled with all kinds of medical professionals, aren’t new yet increasingly more kinds of complementary  businesses are also becoming bigger customer magnets by being more conveniently co-located for their mutual market of clients.

You can get closer to prospective clients and offer your clients more convenience by clustering with others who serve the same kind of people:

a. Lease space within another office or lease out space within yours to people who serve.

b. Be located adjacent to another outlet(s), perhaps sharing an internal door.

c. Co-rent retail and/or common space with another office or business.

d. Share conference or demo space with others.

2. Sublet space from or to another kind of business that serves some of the same kind of patients/clients to bring more foot traffic and revenue for both:

A bridal shop shares an interior door with a men’s formal wear shop.

The Great Outpost now sells outdoor gear at a store that is right next to the Great Smoky Mountains State Park.

A childcare center operates within Google’s main offices

Noah’s Bagels sells Starbucks Coffee.

A food operation leases space within a hospital or motel.

Pizza Hut moves into Days Inn.

FedEx’s leases space at hotels.

Popeye’s Chicken & Biscuits outlets are in Kroger markets.

A post office and bank lease space within a supermarket.

An accessories store leases space next to a clothing store, joined by internal doors.

A college leases space to a travel agency.

~ See more ways to profitably partner here http://howwepartner.com/

See how much others accomplished in just an hour of phone coaching with Kare http://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php

Posted via email from SayitBetter

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Buy One to Donate One

Indistructible ball

Imagine inventing a soccer ball so tough that even a lion can play with it for hours and not puncture it. Better yet imagine that kids in refugee camps can kick that “futbol” across sharp rocks, broken glass and even against the razor wire fences that surround them, knowing it will endure.

Best yet, you are donating a ball each time customers buy one. That’s the Double Good that One World Futbol offers.

Energizing ball

In an odd coincidence another soccer ball maker doubles up to do good in a different way. sOccket makes  a ball that generates and retains energy when it is kicked. It creates enough energy for Africans to charge a small electronic device or a LED light. Soon sOccket will be selling it to Westerners as a fun toy, telling customers they are paying for the balls to be given away or sold cheaply via their non-profit partners, the first of which is Whizz Kids United.

Two onesies

Buy a cotton baby body suit called a onesie from the Tasmanian company, Baby Theresa, and they donate another to orphanages or poor mothers through non-profits that serve them. They take their motto from Mother Teresa, “If you can’t feed 1,000 people, then feed one.”

Since you can’t walk in their shoes …

When you buy a pair of durable canvas walking shoes from TOMS shoes, they donate another to shoeless kids in South America. Or you can literally take the next step and join a Shoe Drop group to hand-deliver them. You’ll feel even better knowing that South Americans get jobs making those shoes in “no sweatshop” conditions. Because the shoes are mainly sold online more of the profits can go towards donations while customers also get good value.

Other footwear makers are following in TOMS steps, doing good by doubling up areSoles4Souls and sturdy CAT footwear. Hint: For visibility, it helps to be the first seller of your kind of product to double up.

Buy a pair. Give a pair.

Get high fashion Fillmore eyeglasses in Tennessee whiskey tortoise (or  other kind) fromWarby Parker sent to your home, with a free “no questions” return policy, knowing they will donate a pair to someone else who really needs it.

Dressed up to do good

Buy a frock and Persnickety Clothing will give another one to a girl in Nicaragua. Akin to TOMS they hire sewers in the same country who earn “above-average” wages.

Like all smart partnerships this approach leverages the benefits for all participants - and you can too.

The business wins:

  1. Donating what it sells is more cost-effective than giving money.
  2. Such donations highlight the quality of their products.
  3. They gain a halo in their market as customers give, media covers the story and word of mouth spreads.

The participating non-profit wins:

  1. As an active partner it can participate in deciding who most needs the donations and when and how they should be given away.
  2. It also attracts media coverage for a “first ever.”

3. Other businesses then want to donate products through them.

4.  More individuals want to donate or otherwise participate in the movement that’s created.

Those in need win:

  1. They get high-quality items because a company not only wants to do good it also wants to show off its great products.
  1. They get items they really need or want because the non-profit that matches them to the donation is very familiar with their situation.

Customers win:

  1. They get to feel good buying something they want knowing their purchase is helping someone who really needs it.
  2. If they want to feel generous they have the extremely convenient option of paying a lower price for a third product to be donated.

Other ways to partner to leverage support of a cause so all participants win:

1. This year up to one million community volunteers get free admission to Disney Parks in Florida and California. They are certified as volunteering for at least a day by Disney’s non-profit partner, the clearinghouse, HandsOn Network.

2. To spur more people to donate cast-off clothing and get them clean so they are ready to give away, New York Goodwill partnered with the cleaning products maker Method in anattention-grabbing campaign dubbed “Wash Smart, Give Smart.”

Method staff drove through the streets of New York in a specially-made, glass-walled truck - a “mobile laundry room” to collect clothing from individuals, then wash, dry and deliver it to Goodwill outlets.

3. Through its foundation, Home Depot partners, in three ways, with KaBOOM to build playgrounds:

• Donates money.

• Supports employees in volunteering to construct of the playground

• Uses its expertise to recycle and re-use local materials in those projects, showing community members these skills as they do.

As a company, support your employees in using their expertise in partnership with a cause.

As consumers, buy from such companies, telling them you like what they are doing.

Useable Insights:

1. Attract the right partners to leverage your capacity to serve or to sell more – and to savor greater success together?

2. In this uncertain economy where it behoves all of us to be frugal where are the people that are beyond frugal and in dire need of what you sell?

3. What reputable organization knows those people very well so that they could distribute your product directly to them when you make your own “Buy one. Give one.” offer and join forces for the greater good of all partners?

Accomplishing greater things with others than one can alone

Kare speaks, writes and consults on connective communication and collaboration – vital traits in this bottom-up, complex, connected world. This Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter was the Obama campaign's Team Collaboration Director. She’s the author of Walk Your Talk and Resolving Conflict Sooner.

• Voted one of Top 5 speakers on Communication: http://speaking.com/top5/

• Be quotable, connect + forge profitable partnerships - phone coaching with Kare http://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php - or bring her to speak http://www.sayitbetter.com/meeting_planners.php  http://twitter.com/KareAnderson  + http://howwepartner.com/

• Two of her blogs are featured on http://collaboration.alltop.com/ and another, Say it Better, on http://lifehacks.alltop.com/


Posted via email from SayitBetter

Saturday, July 17, 2010

How Gestures Connect or Repel

For many years my parents took what some Brits call an evening “constitutional.”  They walked, hand in hand, around the neighborhood – just the two of them. Sometimes, they talked. Other evenings they said little, so I am told. Yet they always came home smiling. Since then I’ve discovered that motion evokes emotion, for good and for bad. Walking helped my parents re-connect at the end of each day.

Act how You Want to Feel and How You Want Other To Feel About You

How you turn, walk and gesture affects your emotions and other around you – and how they feel about you. We are startled, for example, then wary when we see a quick, unexpected movement especially when caught out of the corner of the eye. Conversely we are more deeply drawn to a singer who sweeps her arms above her head as she belts out that exultant line in her song.

Sometimes we even mimic an entertainer’s gestures. Whatever emotion they act out on stage, we feel and sometimes act out. That’s our mirror neurons at work, catching the emotions in the people around us just like we catch a cold.

Motion Intensify Our Emotions

The extra magic is that motions – yours and others – make emotions catch faster and more intensely.  When you smile I instinctively smile back – even if you are on TV and I am sitting on the couch – and we both feel better.

Now there are fresh insights into how gestures attract or repel others. Winning Body Language author, Mark Bowden studied the work of two remarkable men. One was a mime, physiotherapist and acting guru, Jacques Lecoq.

The other was an Iraeli spy, nuclear physicist and Judo expert Moshé Feldenkrais whose insights into how our movements affect our thoughts and emotions was revelatory for me.

Gesture to Get Along

1. To appear honest, factual and sincere hold your hands at the height of your navel. That’s what Bowden dubs the TruthPlane.

2. To avoid appear disinteresting and depressing do not gesture below your waist. That’s the GrotesquePlane.

3. To convey excitement or that you are offering a big idea, bring your gestures up to chest level. That’s the PassionPlane.

Connect With Your Gestures and Your Voice

Here’s a way to remember what to practice to look comfortable with yourself and to connect with others:

1. Lower

2. Slower

3. Less

These three tips refer to the level of your gestures and their speed and amount of motion. Alternatively, for example, quick, jabbing finger gestures pushes us away as you can see in this video.

Think of your voice in the same way. Lower your voice; do not race through your sentences and say less to invite other into the conversation.

Get in Body Sync With Others to Get Along Better

Whether you are around loved ones, strangers or colleagues, to connect better literally get in body sync with them. That means your heart rate, skin temperature and other vital signs become more alike.  The more alike “we” are the more we like each other. From five researchers I follow here are some ways to get in body sync:

Get in motion together, the more similar the motion, the more likely it will be that you like each other.

• For example, eating across the table from each other, while you wouldn’t want to replicate another’s exact movements you will instinctively become more alike in the speed and amount of movement of your body and your hands as you eat.

• Always take the opportunity to shake hands. You are in exact sync with each other.

• When you walk together you are more likely to match each other’s pace and arm movement and thus strongly mirror each other.  At a client company I suggested that teams walk together across the open quad to the other building where they would meet, and talk about the agenda along the way.

They noticed that they often accomplished more when walking to and from the meeting than while sitting still around the conference table. Sometimes, now team leaders call for Walking Meetings in which they “meet” by walking, grouped together, on the sidewalk around the quad.  I enjoy walkabouts with friends up and down the steps here in Sausalito and along the water front.  Sometimes this is the way I meet with clients.

By the way I disagree with the first phrase in the sub-title of Bowden’s book yet found many helpful parts: Control the Conversation, Command Attention, and Convey the Right Message Without Saying a Word.

~ ~ ~

Accomplishing greater things with others than one can alone

Kare speaks, writes and consults on connective communication and collaboration – vital traits in this bottom-up, complex, connected world. This Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter was the Obama campaign's Team Collaboration Director. She’s the author of Walk Your Talk and Resolving Conflict Sooner

• Voted one of Top 5 speakers on Communication: http://speaking.com/top5/

• Be quotable, connect + forge profitable partnerships - phone coaching with Kare http://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php - or bring her to speak http://www.sayitbetter.com/meeting_planners.php 

http://twitter.com/KareAnderson  + http://howwepartner.com/

• Two of her blogs are featured on http://collaboration.alltop.com/ and another, Say it Better, on http://lifehacks.alltop.com/

Posted via email from SayitBetter

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Make it So Vivid You May Motivate Others to Change

 

Meth is a death sentence.  “Ben hangedhimself when he couldn’t stop using it.” Want to change others? Learn from Montana’sgraphic techniques to stop the carnage. When the danger is extreme the nudge may have to be too. Even if you are attempting to nudgeothers in less dire situations you can glean lessons from these powerful ads

Here are four ways to make your message sink in and sway others:

 1. Short sentences carry punch. “This is where he went into convulsions.”  So do pithy tag lines: “Not even once.”

 2. Be more credible and memorable by using vivid, specific everyday language, rather thanjargon or generalizations. “This is the sink where she started pulling out her eyebrows.”

"’Kevin’ dropped out of school, used sharp objects to remove    imaginary bugs from his body and now spends his days restrained to a bed.”

3. Use “sensory contrasts.” The dramatic background music and snippets of emotional voices stand in sharp contrast to the dulled, sad tones of the victims, the narrators – whose faces you only see at the end of each advertisement.  (Not seeing the narrator until the end builds anticipation.)

 4. Show some visual detail AND leave some to the imagination. While you see some of the scenes where awful things happened and you hear snippets of voices in those situations you don’t see the worst things - except in your mind’s eye. Don’t express the outrage. Instead present the reason your audience will feel it and express the emotion that may move them to change.

 Hint: When you create a written, audio or video message, leave gaps for them to instinctively fill in the rest.  This is akin to a speaker repeating a key phrase throughout a speech until that speaker can pause so the audience can say it for him. Their unavoidable participation glues them to your story.

 Look for the brash book by Stanford business professor Jeffrey PfefferPower: Why Some People Have It and Others Don't. 

Hint: While collaboration is key in this increasingly complex, connected world, attempting to create it between competing organizations can be dangerous if one does not understand the use of power to first protect oneself and then to unite others in a common purpose. 

"What makes power degenerative rather than generative? Lack of love What makes love degenerative? Lack of power." ~Adam Kahane, author of Power and Love  

Accomplishing greater things with others than one can alone

Kare speaks, writes and consults on connective communication and collaboration – vital traits in this bottom-up, complex, connected world. This Emmy-winning former NBC and Wall Street Journal reporter was the Obama campaign's Team Collaboration Director. She’s the author of Walk Your Talk and Resolving Conflict Sooner

• Voted one of Top 5 speakers on Communication: http://speaking.com/top5/

• See how much others have accomplished in consulting with Kare http://www.sayitbetter.com/coaching.php - or bring her to speak http://www.sayitbetter.com/meeting_planners.php 

http://twitter.com/KareAnderson  + http://howwepartner.com/

• Two of her blogs are featured on http://collaboration.alltop.com/ and another, Say it Better, on http://lifehacks.alltop.com/

Posted via email from SayitBetter